Dating Severus Snape

Spoilers: None particularly
Summary: Bridget Jones, meet Severus Snape. Highly alternate universe, chick diary fic.
Rating: PG Disclaimer: Not mine, J. K. Rowling’s. Hopefully she won’t mind my visiting the characters from time to time.
Author's Note: A Quintessential Quills weekly assignment. We had to go shopping for an article of clothing, beginning at the coffee shop and ending at The Blue Note in downtown Columbia. As I had been scouring the town for a Slytherin appropriate tie, I decided to take that direction... and then, embarrassingly, Severus showed up at the end. And I was just as surprised as anyone!

30 July 2003
Time: 9:00 AM
Mood: Fairly Cheerful and Determined
State of Stomach: Empty
Weight: 125 lbs.

In my drastic undertaking to make certain that every little portion of my life is documented for posterity, I carry this small and insignificant book, called a diary, around with me everywhere, so that I can write things in it. Which, naturally, is what I am doing right now.

First project for the day: to find a silver and green striped tie in manner of Slytherin House ties, see film Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets for visual. However, state of stomach is v. empty, so first brilliant idea of the day is food for stomach. Thus, visit to coffee shop. Of course, this then becomes first dilemma of the day. Shall self buy healthy apple, likely to keep doctor away and fat off of thighs, or instead, indulge in high carbohydrate, fat cell producing cinnamon roll? Apple would be sweet, has added beauty of keeping self thin, as well as less expense for doctors. However, cinnamon roll, is calling name.

Purchase cinnamon roll.

Will begin diet tomorrow.

Yummy Black Forest coffee, in same vein as cinnamon roll on the fat cell producing front. V. unhealthy start to day.

9:37 AM
Mood: Still cheerful and determined.
State of Stomach: Full

First line of thought: silver and green tie should be easy to obtain. Immediate trek to mall.

Cheapest place to buy men’s ties, likely Target so will begin search there in effort to spend v. few dollars.

Men’s section.

Underwear. T-shirts. Boxers. Pants. Scary underwear. Belts. Briefs. Yes. Abundant supply of men’s undergarments but no ties. Used to sell ties here, am certain of it. Obviously store has changed to stupid management and will no longer be patronized by Slytherin tie seeking individuals.

Leave Target.

10:12 AM
Mood: Slightly annoyed, still hopeful

Have pathetic notion there might be ties in Hot Topic. As mentioned before: Pathetic notion.

10:16 AM

JC Penny. The classic department store. Ancient store begun in the early days of America when hard work and determination—and a good sense of business—would make you independently wealthy. I love JC Penny. They will not disappoint.

Side trip at 80% off rack. Interesting sweater for $3, shirt I would not pay $.50 for, and some pretty butterfly peasant blouses for about $10. Must not spend money on clothing one does not need.

10:19 AM
Trying on shirts. Have gained weight and basoomas have grown to gargantuan proportions.

They were ugly shirts anyway.

10:25 AM
Mood: Feeling fat, but still hopeful

Men’s department. Slippers. Cuff links. Socks. Suits. Ah yes… ties.

Plaid ties, Beatles ties? Did not know they invested in ‘Beatles’ wear for men. All sorts of psycho designs that look as if they belong in a 3D find the picture book rather than around any man’s neck. Blue, purple, green, yellow, burgundy. No stripes. I mean, NO stripes at all. Period.

A hex on JC Penny. May they go bankrupt. They have failed me.

10:52 AM
Mood: Distracted

Gap. They do not sell ties. However it appears jeans are on sale.

11:02 AM
They have lowered sizes. What used to be a size 14 is now, in actuality, a 12. I will no longer patronize the Gap. They are conspiring to make America feel fat.

11:14 AM
I have heard rumors that Abercrombie has red and gold Gryffendor-esque ties. Every atom in my body refuses to step inside Abercrombie. However, I am a Slytherin. I am cunning. Furthermore, I am Snape. I rub shoulders with the enemy all the time.

Enter Abercrombie.

Scarily priced sweaters. Scarily priced jeans. Scarily dressed sales clerk—i.e. spaghetti strapped tank top and kacki mini skirt with too bronze make-up and dark roots showing blonde hair. Have a sudden strong desire to buy one of the plaid mini skirts. With my thighs, this is an utter disgrace. Possible I may be under the Imperio curse now directed by scarily dressed sales clerk.

11:18 AM
Testing. Do not want to buy mini-skirt. Am safe. Imperio Curse not a danger.

11:19 AM
Mood: Disgusted
Ties. Red and gold. Bloody Gryffindor colours. This store is evil. Will not return again. Make note to glare at scary sales clerk on way out door.

11:25 AM
Will avoid Dillards as it is scarily priced in vein of Abercrombie. Sears and Roebuck, my old friend. Bring forth the silver and green.

Men’s department. Scary old lady behind cash register. Avoid looking at scary old lady behind cash register that is no doubt thinking ties are being purchased for non-existent boyfriend. And here we are, ties… Better priced ties than JC Penny. Sears and Roebuck, thou art my lover! Or possibly lovers? Are there two of them…? Sears AND Roebuck. Yeah, probably two. Sears and Roebuck, thou art my lovers!

Let’s see here. Plain silver. Nice but no cigar.

Bizarre pattern. Not exactly what I’m looking for.

Damn Sears. I demand a divorce. Or an estrangement. With a million dollar settlement please.

11:36 AM
Mood: Increasingly irritated

Dillards.

Am distracted by Born Mary Janes of which I wish a pair. Drool a bit. Continue to men’s department. More, more, more of the same. This is stupid.

11:52 AM
Am no better off than was on arrival at mall. Entirety of building is stupid. Hate them all. Will be alternative shopping. Go Goodwill!

12:21 PM
Goodwill. Large store. Much stuff. Not a bit organized. Ties… Many ugly ones. Some worthy of Mulder. A Ravenclaw perfect example. I’m not a bloody Ravenclaw!

12:42 PM
Mood: Pissed Off
State of stomach: Empty

Goodwill has failed me. I hate Goodwill. It is a bane on the face of the earth. A pitiful example of man’s existence on the cosmic scale of good and evil and right and wrong. It will be cursed. Must obtain food. And quickly. Downtown will be best answer to food choices.

12:45 PM
Panera Bread Company. This is a beautiful place. Food is good. Am going to eat healthily. Perhaps low fat soup, for example.

No money. I have no money. They have already ordered my soup and I cannot pay for it. Will be slapped in jail cell where will be forced to live existence as Catherine Zeta-Jones character from Chicago for the rest of my pitiful life.

‘I’ll get it.’

Jaw drops. Beautiful man. Wonderful man. Beautiful, wonderful man who just paid for my food and has a voice like silk and chocolate and every other sexy thing on the face of the earth. Beautiful, wonderful man who has silky dark hair and silky voice and silky GREEN AND SILVER tie. My savior has my TIE. Obviously he is Slytherin. Obviously he is-Oh yes. Close mouth. Only idiots stand with mouth open staring at people who have just paid for their dinners.

Oh yes. And say thank you.

‘Thank you.’

‘Your welcome, Miss-?’

Do I have a name? I do have a name, don’t I? What is my name… the name my Mother gave me. I don’t recall it. Say something.

‘Uh… Sabrina. Miss Sabrina.’

He just raised his eyebrows at me.

State of stomach: stomach non-existent. Has flown up esophagus, out of mouth and is flopping about somewhere behind beautiful, wonderful man with the Slytherin tie.

Must have his name. Ask, you dolt.

‘Uh, you uh, paid for my dinner, and I have this, uh, rule, that I don’t take food from, well, you know people who I haven’t been introduced to.’

He’s smirking. Those… lips. Smirking. Stomach come back. Please come back.

‘Severus Snape.’

SnapeSnapeSnapeSnapeSnape. Severus Snape.

‘Do you have an extra tie?’

Stupid. I’m obsessed. He’s going to think I’m obsessed with him. No. Worse, he’s going to think I’m an idiot.

‘I might have,’ he’s still smirking at me. ‘Since I bought your dinner, I do hope you’ll be so kind as to keep me company?’

Severus Snape just asked me to keep him company. He’s going to give me a Slytherin tie. We’re going to the Blue Note to a concert.

Mall… I love you. Target, you are brilliant. Pennys don’t go bankrupt. Sears and Roebuck, I will not take you back as my lovers, but I will cancel that whole million dollar settlement thing. Dillards is splendid and Goodwill obviously belongs in the hands of God.

I. Am. Dating. Severus Snape.

But I still need my stomach… Come back stomach…

By Sabrina